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var text="'You know, it's like when your toilet is backed up, you don't go run in the bathroom and start hitting it with a tennis racquet, same thing here, if you need 5 yards on 3rd down, you don't go out there goofing around with the 4-yard play, it's gotta be Boom! you run the 5-yard play...'
Al Michaels knew that years of working with John Madden had probably caused irreparable damage to his intellect, and that his dream of getting half-way through a NY Times crossword puzzle was probably now unattainable.
"
var text="Longtime mascot, Pat Patriot admits in his recent autobiography that he can't help feeling a little uncomfortable when Patriot players exhibit excessive public affection towards each other after seemingly insignificant plays. Shown here is one such awkward moment, with Tom Brady and Kevin Faulk embracing for well past the customary five seconds after a 2-yard screen pass completion.
" var width1="'380'" var width2="'183'" var width3="'197'" } if (bannum==3) { var image="
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var text="'I'm the F to the E, R, G the I the E, And can't no other lady put it down like me, I'm Fergalicious, so delicious....'
His teammates were not entirely sure if Vince Young was on some kind of medication, or maybe he was just happy to be back with the club, but either way, many defensive players have begun lobbying for the QB to win his starting job back.
"
var text="Down by three points in a dramatic December battle against the arch-rival New England Patriots, Colts QB Peyton Manning attempts to draw the defense offsides on a critical 4th and 1 play by yelling to the sidelines for his fuzzy earmuffs, his sheepskin PapaSmurf mittens, and a Ghiradelli double chocolate hot cocoa.
" var width1="'375'" var width2="'143'" var width3="'232'" } if (bannum==5) { var image="
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var text="So you see Dan, that’s why Neo-Keynesian economic theory rejects the simplistic wage/inflation relationship suggested by the traditional Phillips curve.
" var width1="'385'" var width2="'196'" var width3="'189'" } if (bannum==6) { var image="
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var text="When asked if his confidence was shaken after being terminated from his first head-coaching job with the Jets, New Browns head coach Eric Mangini asserts his unwavering determination and faith in his ability to confront the challenges ahead of him. Mangini did admit, however, that he is still somewhat fearful of big, hairy spiders.
" var width1="'385'" var width2="'185'" var width3="'200'" } if (bannum==7) { var image="
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var text="'I don't mean to interrupt your bad officiating, but I'm pretty sure that the extra defensive player on the field launching cantaloupes from a three-wheeler at our receivers, is probably against the rules.'
" var width1="'385'" var width2="'163'" var width3="'222'" } if (bannum==8) { var image="
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var text="Billy started to get the feeling that bringing his favorite Raider fan for 'Show-And-Tell' was a bad idea right around the time he began describing his pre-game ritual, which included something about a blow torch and live roosters and prompted little Melissa Jenkins to puke all over the substitute teacher.
" var width1="'375'" var width2="'190'" var width3="'185'" } if (bannum==9) { var image="
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var text="'.....And with the 78th pick in this year's NFL draft,...the Tennessee Titans select Alvin 'Silly Pants' Sanchez…'
After some very questionable recent draft selections that could only be explained by a lack of sufficient due diligence, the Tennessee Titans scouting department has fallen under justifiable scrutiny.
"
var text="Nobody gave her a chance against heavily favored Penelope 'The Professor' Perkins, but Amber never stopped believing in herself and demonstrated the heart of a true champion by pulling out a dramatic victory in this year's Washington Redskin cheerleader spelling bee..
" var width1="'370'" var width2="'115'" var width3="'255'" } if (bannum==11) { var image="
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var text="The hours were long, and the work could be physically and emotionally exhausting, but for Gina Giordano, jumping around to ‘Who Let The Dogs Out’ in tight, clingy outfits for a charitable cause like the NY Jets offered a level of gratification that working at the nail salon never could.
" var width1="'385'" var width2="'117'" var width3="'268'" } if (bannum==12) { var image="
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var text="Dear Eli Manning,
You are cordially invited as the guest of honor this Sunday to a 'What type of dressing would you like with your field-turf salad?' party. Feel free to bring your offensive line, and tell them to practice falling down.
Your pals,
The Atlanta Falcons defense
"
var text="Randy Moss's lawyer is always ready to disseminate a positive public relations message on behalf of his most lucrative client, especially when it involves exploiting an inebriated audience possibly gullible enough to believe it.
" var width1="'370'" var width2="'123'" var width3="'247'" } if (bannum==14) { var image="
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var text="'...Ok coach, I get it now, the General Theory of Relativity is essentially an extension of Newton's original law of universal gravitation, but is clearly distinguished as a significant departure from any of the former metric theories, because it introduces the ground-breaking geometrical premise that gravitation can be described by the curvature of space and time...Boy, I feel like a dumbass.'
" var width1="'375'" var width2="'129'" var width3="'246'" } if (bannum==15) { var image="
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var text="Alertly noticing the two extra LBs creeping up to the line, Indianapolis super-fan Sally McElroy immediately identified that the defense was bringing a 'Cover-3 Fox Fire-Zone Blitz'. Unfortunately, despite her vigilant and spirited attempt to warn Peyton Manning, the Colts QB was sacked for a 12 yard loss, and the offense was three and out on their opening drive.
" var width1="'385'" var width2="'127'" var width3="'258'" } if (bannum==16) { var image="
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var text="While the Baltimore front office appreciated his enthusiasm and meticulous role-preparation, they needed to politely remind their mascot 'Poe the Raven' that his costume was already sufficiently creepy, and that additional theatrics like emerging from a crypt along with the use of homemade props like his giant medieval executioner's axe, and 'haunted basket of tortured souls' was entirely unnecessary.
" var width1="'385'" var width2="'133'" var width3="'252'" } if (bannum==17) { var image="
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var text="Warning! Exposure to the Philadelphia Eagles throwback uniforms may actuate specific adverse health effects in a minority of persons, including but not limited to, photosensitive seizure, lightheadedness, disorientation, confusion, twitching, the munchies, Kung Fu Fighting, compulsory purchases of Elton John records and an inadvertent infatuation with platform shoes.
" var width1="'385'" var width2="'119'" var width3="'266'" } if (bannum==18) { var image="
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var text="Psychologists often debate if high-sugar, processed foods, suggestive music videos and modern video games with mature themes are inflicting mental health damage on our nation's youth. Of course, in some cases these deleterious effects can be rechanneled into constructive personal expression, like showing support for your favorite NFL team in the stadium parking lot until you are arrested on public disturbance charges.
" var width1="'385'" var width2="'122'" var width3="'263'" } if (bannum==19) { var image="
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var text="Voted the NFL's 'Most Consistently Irritating Mascot' for 7 seasons in a row, Dallas Cowboys mascot 'Rowdy' typically gets himself all boozed up and rambles around the stadium frightening the elderly with his big toy gun, dousing unsuspecting fans with their own beverages and riding through the rest rooms on his four-wheeler until he is knocked out, tasered and dragged out of Texas stadium by security.
" var width1="'375'" var width2="'175'" var width3="'200'" } if (bannum==20) { var image="
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var text="When presented with an antagonistic line of questioning, Patriots coach Bill Belichick usually just needs to flash his legendary icy stare of indignation. If the reporter insists on continuing with his unwelcome and insolent questions, Belichick has been known to invoke his 9th-level Wizard powers to summon a polar stun ray, a snow monster to escort the reporter from the building, or even polymorph the reporter into a small ficus tree until the end of the press conference.
" var width1="'385'" var width2="'155'" var width3="'230'" } if (bannum==21) { var image="
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var text="In the peaceful moments after a savage pummeling at the hands of several opposing defensive lineman, a quarterback is often afforded time to reflect on life's profound complexities, here former NFL great Steve Young contemplates the miracle of space travel and considers whether it is time to diversify his portfolio by moving some funds from stocks to bonds.
" var width1="'375'" var width2="'120'" var width3="'255'" } if (bannum==22) { var image="
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var text="Fluffy and Spike could appreciate that their owners were fanatical Packers fans but they were determined to continue defacing the new couch and digging up power lines in the back yard until it was clear that they were not particularly fond of the itchy acrylic sweaters they were forced to wear during football season...
" var width1="'375'" var width2="'195'" var width3="'180'" } if (bannum==23) { var image="
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var text="Although not highly regarded for his run blocking, pass blocking, agility, footwork, technique or general athleticism, reserve offensive lineman Jeremy Bridges always carries around his own personal fog machine, and is renowned for one of the most powerfully dramatic pregame entrances in the league today.
" var width1="'385'" var width2="'140'" var width3="'245'" } if (bannum==24) { var image="
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var text="Jeb and Dale thought they got a pretty good deal on game tickets from that scalper, but after a few hours, they began to realize that: 1) The Titans don't usually play at 10 AM on Tuesday and 2) In actuality, they had been watching the 2nd annual North Little Rock Historical Society's Midget Decathlon and Chariot Race.
" var width1="'375'" var width2="'135'" var width3="'240'" } if (bannum==25) { var image="
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var text="The Cincinnati Bengals defense prepares for another season of trying to stop Titans RB Chris Johnson.
" var width1="'385'" var width2="'176'" var width3="'209'" } if (bannum==26) { var image="
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var text="It had been 45 minutes since the reporter had asked Marty Shottenheimer his question and although he could see his lips moving, he had stopped listening and could only think about how the coach eerily resembled his 8th grade science teacher who claimed to have a collection of alien spacecraft parts in his garage.
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